urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo this is the best of times and the worst. refusaltoletgo 2006-07-09T13:42:06Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:131725 2006-07-09T13:42:06Z 2006-07-09T13:42:06Z i would like to take a trip<br />across canada and to the souths of the united states and then to the coasts with beachs<br />see all the differnt types of trees<br /><br /><br />plan for 2007 urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:131375 2006-07-02T14:16:26Z 2006-07-02T14:16:26Z accumulate<br /><br />likes<br /><br />misses<br /><br />kicks<br /><br />stones urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:131130 2006-06-26T13:00:05Z 2006-06-26T13:00:05Z life loves anna <br />and anna thinks life is pretty amazing<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />sometimes i just wonder if this is all meant to happen at once<br />get all the feeling out and take me to ground zero where someone will be able to take advantage <br />some more kicks while i am down or something<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />backed up and too slow.<br /><br /><br />---<br /><br /><br />who is in a great mood?<br />tell me about it and how to get there.<br />does it come with age? country? gender? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:130943 2006-06-19T16:45:11Z 2006-06-19T16:46:23Z here at this end now after this weekend, it seems more real then last week this time<br />it seems to weigh more<br />sends me through my sheets and to the floor <br />pushes and keeps me down on the ground<br /><br /><br />seeing all the photos on the walls, the cards and flowers in the room with those flowered couches and mis matched lamp shades <br />in the company of family and friends of<br />seemed like i was walking into a dream<br /><br />then to the box with the things that lay closest to her <br />mother of pearl leaf necklace<br />mascara<br />glasses<br />and the plate engraved with the dates and her name<br />none of which i ever dared to put in my dream<br />made me wake up<br /><br /><br />the sit down in the next room with the folded chairs that there couldnt never have been enough of<br />hanging on to every word trying to pull something from the speaker to make me feel better, to relieve myself from this hurt<br />like some magic<br />the one look over my shoulder just sent me more seeing how many more cared just the same<br />with the slight volume of his voice giving out at his last words and with the lack of air <br /><br />brave<br />love<br /><br />caitlin<br />"... never alone in any photographs"<br />"... stubborn"<br />"... a natural smile"<br /><br /><br />missed. <br />more and more with everyday.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />---<br />so thankful for the friends that i have<br />so thankful<br />would not have made it through without you urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:130700 2006-06-13T22:09:13Z 2006-06-13T22:11:24Z i keep on running this through my mind like thousands of times over and over <br /><br />the only thing i can do is justify this all with<br /><br />it would have hurt her too much to loose one of us<br />this all was to save her<br /><br /><br />her heart held so much for everyone.<br /><br /><br />and then i think i shouldnt try to justify it at all<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />its in the dead air time that i feel my heart slowly drop to the floor. <br />i need to keep this work up and keeping company to maintain some blood flow. <br />this pain hurts so much it doesnt seem real.<br /><br /><br />she was always suppose to be there. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:130386 2006-06-10T03:10:43Z 2006-06-10T03:10:43Z this is<br /><br />to hold someone so close to your heart<br />but so far from contact<br />to the point where when <br />"just one more thing"<br />is impossbile<br /><br />this is what happens<br />to friends and family and the loved<br />human<br /><br />it cant be real<br />i am so hurt<br /><br />the glue <br />the one<br /><br />advantage / for granted<br />know you were loved<br />and there for everything<br /><br /><br /><br />---<br />this is all too much urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:130165 2006-06-09T00:58:34Z 2006-06-09T00:58:49Z all you want to say to her <br /><br />is just "one more thing.."<br /><br />-<br />love. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:130020 2006-05-29T04:31:06Z 2006-05-29T04:31:06Z i havnt said enough<br />let her be ok<br /><br /><br /><br />it hasnt hit me yet<br /><br />ill be home thursday for a stop in urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:129640 2006-05-27T15:55:55Z 2006-05-27T15:55:55Z make sure she is ok urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:129394 2006-05-25T07:09:42Z 2006-05-25T07:15:29Z loving toronto<br /><br />thinking new york is next<br />ill only be around 4 hours away<br />promise<br /><br />serious<br />lend me 500$ and i promise ill be out of your hair and closer to him<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />--<br />whoa boys<br />lets make some drama<br />hand me another drink<br />viola! amour!<br /><br />----<br /><br />turn this up<br /><br />cupcake parties<br />with hate life chat lapin and martha loving some nono<br /><br />---<br /><br />dancing urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:129096 2006-05-19T13:26:40Z 2006-05-19T13:26:40Z back in my rut<br />awesome<br /><br /><br />dont take offense<br />it due to the lack of eating<br />and tolerancec right now<br /><br />love! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:128825 2006-05-16T23:21:00Z 2006-05-16T23:21:00Z truth<br /><br />dont dont like<br />the last of the double negatives<br /><br />its 9 hours gone<br /><br />the last drink tonight will be the last time <br />i let myself think about it<br />another round<br />onto the next urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:128714 2006-05-16T04:30:12Z 2006-05-16T04:30:12Z with his last breath.<br />arched.<br /><br />missed.<br />before a start.<br /><br />prove wrong.<br />with and of.<br /><br />not not.<br />of of.<br /><br />not not him. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:128270 2006-04-09T23:04:31Z 2006-04-09T23:04:31Z i will take care of it urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:128004 2006-03-20T03:16:23Z 2006-03-20T03:16:23Z 250$ jeans.<br /><br />tan. habitual. straight leg. beautiful.<br /><br />must return by the end of the week.<br /><br />remind me. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:127732 2006-03-06T01:13:33Z 2006-03-06T01:13:33Z come visite me soon please<br /><br />.<br />x! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:127420 2006-02-20T00:54:28Z 2006-02-20T00:54:28Z i have gone to new york<br /><br />i am going to find myself a boy and not come back<br />will miss you<br /><br /><br />(be back friday)<br />x! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:127110 2006-02-15T01:57:15Z 2006-02-15T01:57:15Z happy valentines<br /><br /><br />-x! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:126843 2006-02-14T01:42:46Z 2006-02-14T01:42:46Z due to the roller coaster of fevers i have had all day<br />tomorrow will be another day spend inside, in bed watching tv with the periodic check at email<br /><br />i am not allowed to leave this house until my temp is a constant 99 or below<br />...<br />valentines day inside... coughing with a fever<br />who wants to be a valentine to that?<br /><br /><br />i do have cards though for when i do get out<br />x! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:126545 2006-02-13T01:27:25Z 2006-02-13T01:27:25Z i have never been this sick for this long in my life<br /><br />i have had a 102 fever give and take all weekend<br />my head hurts, my cough is consistent a<br />pparently its a bacterial infection - 2 hour wait in the clinic for a note and antibiotics<br />i cant sleep and i am very cold<br />tv is getting old and i need a dvd player<br /><br />this is a roller coaster i need to get off<br /><br /><br />i wish i was getting work done but nothing<br />my aunt and uncle wont let me out of the house and if they even hear me get out of bed they yell upstairs to tell me to get back in<br /><br /><br /><br />thanks to those who have called or left messages, appreciated. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:126210 2006-02-03T05:24:31Z 2006-02-03T05:39:09Z everytime i say i hate my life<br />makes me a little more sad<br />because really i do have a pretty decent one<br />thanks for those in it<br />putting up with me<br /><br /><br /><br />----<br /><br /><br />missing something terrible<br />wish for the right side<br />to be filled<br />and the right hand<br />to be taken<br />with the third finger<br />all of a sudden<br />with this<br /><br />tomorrow sudden love<br /><br /><br />---<br /><br />just take me out<br />for a free night<br />with the promise of snow<br />popcorn or cupcakes<br />with this frame urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:126145 2006-01-24T15:23:29Z 2006-01-24T15:23:29Z and with that<br />a cross off the t<br />and a dot on the eye<br /><br />missed and missing<br /><br /><br />---<br /><br />i hope all of you voted yesterday.<br /><br />we will see how this all turns out.<br /><br />i am starting to miss home from time to time to the point where it makes my stomach turn and my eyes well up with tears. but then i start to get busy again, keeping myself out and about. i have attempted this whole sober or one to two drinks rather than 5 to six. it is ok. i am still having just as much fun ( at least i think i am)<br />thursday night - queenshead/function party. success.<br />friday night - boom boom party. whoa probably one of the top 5.<br />saturday night - comeback kids/house parties. a.ok.<br />some work and homework between then.<br /><br />---<br /><br />i saw tarnation and it was probably one of the most amazing things i have seen in a very long time. <br />if you havnt seen it, go. rent. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:125877 2006-01-21T00:21:40Z 2006-01-21T01:35:33Z my mother is the most wonderful<br /><br />package<br /><br />- 2 homemade jams<br />- gloves (labeled for spraypainting)<br />- cupcake decorations with icing shape thing squeeze tube<br />- craisins<br />- cashews<br />- kippers <br />- yellow bread<br />- a tin of peanut brittle with a note saying to take it to work<br /><br /><br />.... my mother is so wonderful.<br />love her much. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:125646 2006-01-18T20:02:45Z 2006-01-18T20:02:45Z this is the haunting <br />from first year to last<br />of the empty right seat<br />with no song to change<br /><br />from this dance to last<br />hearing of the couples before<br />that took their sheets<br />and used them for forts<br /><br />against this haunting<br />like it use to be<br />flashlights and candles burned<br />consumed and obsessed<br /><br />four to this side<br />three to the other<br />counting the steps and looking down<br />rather than looking up at the other<br /><br />from dance floor to under the kitchen table<br />covered with that sheet<br />and complete these four walls<br />with this light in hand<br /><br />change the song or haunt <br />its one or the other<br />the last name on the dance card<br />and an empty right seat<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />- - - x! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:refusaltoletgo:125399 2006-01-17T23:11:07Z 2006-01-17T23:11:07Z haunt me <br />haunt me <br />haunt me<br /><br />like you use to<br />every time<br /><br />i left you for new york